Dear OOO,
I have been doing my job for about three years, and I really like it. The job is fun and challenging, my manager pressures me to grow up and he always has my back, and my life at work I envy my friends. There is only one problem: Stability is so hard that I feel like I’m back in high school! All the “good kids” are fun to work with, but at meetings they always seem to laugh at the inner jokes, and now that we all have the vaccine they always post pictures on Instagram where they all just chat and none of us were invited. How can I stop my jealousy or help change our culture so that it doesn’t sound like a popular contest?
—Melissa
The former bosses argued that people should not be friends with co-workers. It’s a smart idea — most people need bright lines between work and life, less disruptive, and isolating these avoids a deadly culture like the one you’re experiencing. But they fail to realize how people work. About 100 percent of the people I could call friends were classmates or co-workers (or close friends or close friends of my classmates or workmates); I have no idea how to meet new friends. A very scientific study of people who were active in the Gchat group of friends when I sat down to write this section showed that many people feel the same way. Even my boss doesn’t want to follow his principles; our whole team stayed close and continues to this day.
If we accept the presence of a working relationship, we may have groups. It is our nature to form subgroups, and subgroups are selected. This is not a bad thing at all – it is useful to have people who are loyal especially to you, even if there are others who are loyal especially to other people besides you.
But we wisely realize that everyone needs more friends, and it is painful to witness about everyone else. While I don’t doubt the ability of “cold kids” to solve major cultural problems – I’ve been a seventh-grade girl – I think swollen egos can sometimes make people see “small groups” instead of ordinary ol ’friendly groups. I drink with my friends but not others, and have been caught laughing at a meeting for the next DM course. This is good, especially if everyone is in good health feeling a little open a year and a half to become a global epidemic. You don’t say if you have co-worker, Melissa, but looking at finding one or two or developing inner jokes can also be a good distraction from legitimate jealousy.
Let’s assume, however, that the cold team at your workplace is creating a dangerous environment beyond what causes jealousy. There are so many things they they may change their practices, but your options for change are limited. Because they are adults and not seven-year-old girls, I think the group is not well known, not really bad, and does not understand how it affects everyone else. With that in mind, I advise you to choose one member you know who is kind and reasonable, and ask them to cool down with him. [insert problematic behavior here] because it hurts others. Also: Invite members of the brand to chat with you as well yours colleagues at work. Even if you don’t start talking to them regularly, the occasional meeting of the various groups can go a long way to make things less stressful.
If all of this doesn’t work, you need to know how to control your emotions instead of trying to justify yourself. Step one: Disable or not follow the cool kids on Instagram. They are free to take pictures of their wild nights, just as you would avoid seeing the pictures mentioned. Step 2: Send your friend the DM ornament to the meeting, and watch as he tries not to laugh. You will be more than happy to pay attention to what the team does.
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